happiness

My Thoughts On Judgments and Assumptions

How many times have you caught yourself thinking or saying, “God, what a skank” or, “He looks like a loser”, “She goes out all the time, how sad” or something along those lines, especially about people you have never met or even spoken to?

Making baseless judgments of strangers is innocent enough, I suppose… I mean, it doesn’t really harm the person being judged if you just say it or think it to yourself… but does it benefit you in any way either?

I don’t know how it is in other countries/cultures, but I know that in ours here in the United States we are raised to be in competition with one another at all times. (Women in particular, but it goes for men as well.) We are, in general, a society of insecure people trying to make ourselves feel better by thinking and vocalizing what is wrong with everyone else around us.

Girls who are overweight want to call skinny people “not real” or “skinny bitches.” Then skinny girls want to turn around and call the overweight girls names right back. People have kids and a family and maybe have a friend get upset with them for not being able to go out, so they turn around and write a Facebook post about how much better they are because they’re at home with their family and not out “partying like an idiot.” The list goes on.

Also, we have stereotypes thrown in our faces pretty much all the time. We grow up to assume that the kid wearing all black with eighteen piercings in his face and ears is sketchy. Or the girl with the tight dress is sleeping with everyone. Or the kid with the dreads and gold chain is a thug.

If you never once made these kinds of assumptions, as a kid or as an adult, then you’re either lying to sound good, or you grew up with the best parents ever, in the best town ever, with virtually no media influence.

I’m not saying I was ever mean or hateful toward people based on assumptions. Definitely not. But when I was younger, yeah, they would cross my mind fairly often. I always gave people a chance and usually they would prove me wrong. Because these assumptions aren’t based on much of anything.

I’ve had these types of judgements made against me as well. I know I have. Everyone has. Especially as teenagers. Everyone is still trying to figure out who they are and they tend to be most insecure at that time in their life, and so they lash out at those around them.

As I’ve gotten older and learned for myself that self-esteem is based on what you think of yourself, and should have nothing to do with what you think of others or what they think of you… I’ve just become happier. Truthfully, I never did care all that much what other girls said about me behind my back. Because I knew it was based off of nothing factual, and was coming from a place of insecurity on their part. A girl once got so upset with me that she cried hysterically and had to “talk” with me in the bathroom because I walked back from track practice in the same group as her boyfriend. And I heard her friends consoling her saying, “Don’t worry, she’s just a slut.” I didn’t even talk to the kid the entire time, and I didn’t even like him as a person. I mean seriously, that is high school for you. I wasn’t all that worried about their words.

However, I did always have the backwards thought process in my head of, “If I’m pretty/funny, she can’t be prettier/funnier.” (Or whatever trait.) And I know a lot of girls who had the same thing going on. Obviously I wasn’t conscious of it at the time, but I know it was there. And it is just a recipe for inner turmoil, and negativity.

I swear, I think every girl should have to read “Queen Bees and Wannabes” and watch “Mean Girls” at like 14 years old. Because the “aha” moment Cady has at the mathlete competition is truly what it all boils down to. Calling someone stupid won’t make you any smarter, calling someone ugly won’t make you any prettier, etc. It’s a simple concept that gets so muddled in the mess of media influence and societal pressure to be the best and not only think you are the best yourself, but have everyone else think it as well.

I really do try to always be aware of myself when I start to make a baseless judgement of someone. If I get a theory about a person in my head I remind myself, “You have no idea, really.” My twenties has been a time of self-reflection and strengthening my self-esteem without bringing anyone down. Luckily I had a good foundation from my upbringing… I feel like I got a head start, really. I was fortunate to have wonderful parents who made me feel special without feeling above anyone else. And that is what it comes down to, I think. ❤ I think we would all benefit from being honest about this type of behavior and just making an effort to be aware of it, you know? But these are just my personal thoughts based on my own experiences. 🙂 I would just rather be positive than negative. ❤

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Let Me Just Gush a Little… Or A Lot.

I am, and always have been, a contemplative type of person. I’m a writer, after all. A significant portion of my life is spent reflecting on things that have happened, conversations that I’ve had, and situations I’ve dealt with. For some reason I have recently been reflecting a lot more on this whole new chapter of my life that I started about a year and a half ago.

While I was trying to work through my marriage’s problems, I was a little bit lost and very confused. Obviously I never foresaw that relationship heading in that direction or I wouldn’t have committed to a lifetime of it. I had faith that it would last, and I had faith in my spouse’s feelings toward me. And I learned the more difficult way, how quickly things can change. And how drastically. Intense love can quickly turn into the ugliest words and actions. Before long, I came to the realization that things weren’t going to get better. We both realized that we had been a little naive and far too romantic in thinking that we were a good match for a lifetime together. We simply weren’t the right people for each other. I learned that love does not automatically equal a good match. Compatibility needs to be there, as well. Look at how many people you know who love the wrong person… it happens a lot! We find love and want to hold onto it despite the obvious signs that there is little else keeping us together… ! And it takes maturity and time to see past that and look at how well you truly fit with someone.

When I moved to Phoenix I received so much love and support from everyone… from people I didn’t even expect to ever hear from again. Others pretty much forgot about me the minute the decision was made, and that’s fine, too.

In the year and a half since then I have grown immensely as a person. I took a few hits, emotionally, and had to learn to keep being hopeful that I would find my once-in-a-lifetime love. Trust me, some of these guys out here make it difficult for a girl to keep believing… haha! I navigated through dating, which is something I really never did before. I would usually just meet a guy and end up being his girlfriend… I had never experienced first dates, and second dates, and maybe having two in one week! HaHa. It was fun, but I am a monogamist at heart. I get into too much trouble when I’m that free and single. 🙂

I believe that I’ve become a better friend–just a better person in general. Not that I think I was a bad person before! But I’ve worked on being even more accepting and understanding… and to have enough confidence to just worry about what I think of myself and not get wrapped up in what other people think of me. (Which is quite a liberating feeling, let me tell you! And a constant battle, truthfully.)

I met someone who showed me what non-exclusive, long-term dating is like for our generation… and while I’m certainly not a fan, I did learn some valuable things from it.

Then, I went and met the man I didn’t really believe existed. I really thought he was a schemer when I first met him–it couldn’t be possible that someone would say and do everything that I hoped they would say and do! I went on our first date quite reluctantly, and returned home a very excited, giddy girl. I felt revived, simply from the amazing conversations we had. Now we are eight months in, and I can’t even begin to express how genuinely happy I am.

Not just superficially oh-it’s-all-puppies-and-rainbows happy… but truly happy in the center-most point of my soul. He has helped me grow even more as a person. He is mature, intelligent, and so much fun to be around. He gives me everything that I need from a partner, and I know he is strong enough to face any obstacle or challenge to our relationship head on and work through it with me. And for that, I am unbelievably grateful.

He is a man who wants a good woman in his life to be his partner. He wants a woman who will be a good mother, because he will be a good father and knows the importance of family. He wants a woman who will support him and lift him up, because he wants to do the same for her. He wants a woman who will be open-minded and of a thinking mind, because he likes to read about philosophy and gain new perspectives. He wants a woman who is a child at heart, because he knows life should be fun. He is the type of man you stand beside because of the goodness in his soul.

Whatever direction life takes the two of us… I will forever be grateful to have him in my life right now. And I’m just really glad to have met him. Because I finally know what it feels like to cry from happiness.

Can We All Just Be Happy?

It has to be exhausting to be cynical about the world. I don’t know, maybe that’s just me.

I see so many people just hating on everything–on life, on relationships, on “people these days.” Do you know that throughout history there have always been people saying these things? It isn’t just our world today. Today cynical people say, “The world today is crap. It was so much better ‘back in the day’.” Well ‘back in the day’ cynical people said the same thing. You’re not saying anything hugely important or philosophical or mind-blowing. I personally find that kind of cynicism incredibly boring.

Especially because I think that most of the time people are just saying it to try to sound “cool.” They think it makes them sound wise, or somehow different. I really love it when someone who is under 30 says stuff like that. You have no recollection of how the world used to be, because you weren’t in it. Just stop it.

So many people who are single and out there dating seem to want to say that “guys/girls these days” just aren’t at the same caliber as they used to be. That doesn’t even make sense to me. There are good, genuine people out there. There are crappy people, too. But there have always been both. It’s not like back in the 50s everybody was a worthwhile person who would make you feel special and loved. That’s effing ridiculous. So therefore, it is ridiculous to claim that your dating life problems are due to some shift in the quality of people in this world. Maybe you should work on your ability to judge someone’s character. And learn to accept the fact that not every guy/girl you meet is going to end up being some important, meaningful relationship for you. That’s life, and I promise it will all be okayyyy!

I realize it seems that I’m “hating” on other people for “hating.” But I’m just trying to be observant, and speak on what I see. I would love for more people to be more hopeful and optimistic about life and about the world. Can you imagine if the world had all those good vibes floating around? It would be amazing!

Like I said, it just seems like it would be such a downer to be so cynical all the time… and like it would take so much energy. You know what they say… it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. 🙂

Comfortable in Your Own Skin

It really bothers me that as women we are basically raised to dislike each other… to be suspicious of each other… to negatively judge each other… my main broad Jenna Marbles says it perfectly in this video I posted a few weeks ago. Pretty much sums it up.

Anyway. Something that I basically forced myself to learn when I was younger… there is a major difference between being a snotty, conceited girl and being a self-assured, confident girl. Most (young) girls see another girl being confident, knowing she is attractive/awesome and say that girl is a “stuck up” b*tch or “thinks she’s better than everyone”. Not necessarily true.

We are made to feel that when receiving a compliment, we should shy away or say something like, “Oh whatever, I’m ugly/fat/have a weird nose” or some other crap. It is OKAY to just say “thank you”! That song that’s out right now about some girl being beautiful because she doesn’t know she’s beautiful… kind of bull crap. Not knowing you’re beautiful (which usually really means pretending like you don’t know, let’s be honest ladies) doesn’t make you beautiful. Genetics/personal tastes do. Not being a snotty b*tch about it makes your personality beautiful, though.

I’m just sick of seeing young girls that seem to not even know how to be confident. Even if you’re not some supermodel (very few people are!) or super outgoing… a big part of being attractive/desirable rests in how you carry yourself. You don’t have to always be dolled up or looking your best. If you carry yourself with confidence, people will take note of that.

And if you’re not confident/content within yourself, then you run the risk of falling prey to every joker who tells you you’re pretty/amazing/sweet/sexy. If you already know & believe in your own greatness then you won’t need their validation. Also a lesson that I had to learn when I was younger. You’ll be able to just politely accept the compliment (whether it’s genuine or not) and go about your business happily. It’s obviously still nice to receive compliments–but like I said before, if you carry yourself with confidence people will take note of that and you’ll probably get more compliments anyway just because of that air of self-assurance.

Accept your flaws, too. Own them. We alllll have them. Stop thinking that you need to be perfect to be good enough. Nobody is perfect. Some famous people might seem like it in their magazine cover shoots… but in real life they have less-than-perfect traits, too. Be able to laugh at yourself. Be able to admit your flaws & insecurities because you know that they don’t define you.

We all have our insecure moments–it’s part of what makes us vulnerable and human. Just try not to let the insecure moments outweigh the moments where you are content & happy with yourself. Try to be comfortable in your own skin, basically.

I just really hope that if I have a daughter some day I’ll be able to effectively teach her this lesson the way my mother taught me.