relationships

Let Me Just Gush a Little… Or A Lot.

I am, and always have been, a contemplative type of person. I’m a writer, after all. A significant portion of my life is spent reflecting on things that have happened, conversations that I’ve had, and situations I’ve dealt with. For some reason I have recently been reflecting a lot more on this whole new chapter of my life that I started about a year and a half ago.

While I was trying to work through my marriage’s problems, I was a little bit lost and very confused. Obviously I never foresaw that relationship heading in that direction or I wouldn’t have committed to a lifetime of it. I had faith that it would last, and I had faith in my spouse’s feelings toward me. And I learned the more difficult way, how quickly things can change. And how drastically. Intense love can quickly turn into the ugliest words and actions. Before long, I came to the realization that things weren’t going to get better. We both realized that we had been a little naive and far too romantic in thinking that we were a good match for a lifetime together. We simply weren’t the right people for each other. I learned that love does not automatically equal a good match. Compatibility needs to be there, as well. Look at how many people you know who love the wrong person… it happens a lot! We find love and want to hold onto it despite the obvious signs that there is little else keeping us together… ! And it takes maturity and time to see past that and look at how well you truly fit with someone.

When I moved to Phoenix I received so much love and support from everyone… from people I didn’t even expect to ever hear from again. Others pretty much forgot about me the minute the decision was made, and that’s fine, too.

In the year and a half since then I have grown immensely as a person. I took a few hits, emotionally, and had to learn to keep being hopeful that I would find my once-in-a-lifetime love. Trust me, some of these guys out here make it difficult for a girl to keep believing… haha! I navigated through dating, which is something I really never did before. I would usually just meet a guy and end up being his girlfriend… I had never experienced first dates, and second dates, and maybe having two in one week! HaHa. It was fun, but I am a monogamist at heart. I get into too much trouble when I’m that free and single. 🙂

I believe that I’ve become a better friend–just a better person in general. Not that I think I was a bad person before! But I’ve worked on being even more accepting and understanding… and to have enough confidence to just worry about what I think of myself and not get wrapped up in what other people think of me. (Which is quite a liberating feeling, let me tell you! And a constant battle, truthfully.)

I met someone who showed me what non-exclusive, long-term dating is like for our generation… and while I’m certainly not a fan, I did learn some valuable things from it.

Then, I went and met the man I didn’t really believe existed. I really thought he was a schemer when I first met him–it couldn’t be possible that someone would say and do everything that I hoped they would say and do! I went on our first date quite reluctantly, and returned home a very excited, giddy girl. I felt revived, simply from the amazing conversations we had. Now we are eight months in, and I can’t even begin to express how genuinely happy I am.

Not just superficially oh-it’s-all-puppies-and-rainbows happy… but truly happy in the center-most point of my soul. He has helped me grow even more as a person. He is mature, intelligent, and so much fun to be around. He gives me everything that I need from a partner, and I know he is strong enough to face any obstacle or challenge to our relationship head on and work through it with me. And for that, I am unbelievably grateful.

He is a man who wants a good woman in his life to be his partner. He wants a woman who will be a good mother, because he will be a good father and knows the importance of family. He wants a woman who will support him and lift him up, because he wants to do the same for her. He wants a woman who will be open-minded and of a thinking mind, because he likes to read about philosophy and gain new perspectives. He wants a woman who is a child at heart, because he knows life should be fun. He is the type of man you stand beside because of the goodness in his soul.

Whatever direction life takes the two of us… I will forever be grateful to have him in my life right now. And I’m just really glad to have met him. Because I finally know what it feels like to cry from happiness.

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Promises.

How many empty promises have you made in your life?

From something small like, “I’ll call you next week!” to something larger like, “I’m going to pay for your plane ticket to come see me sometime soon!”

For some reason this is on my mind. I try to be conscious of this and avoid it… but we all are guilty of it from time to time. And I think that’s fine–you say something pleasant once in awhile fully meaning to follow through on it, but realize afterward that it isn’t all that important to you and the other person probably doesn’t really care that much either… so you move on.

But I really hope that I never make a habit of it to the point that people no longer believe I will come through for them.

Something to think about… be conscious of what you are promising to people. If you can’t follow through, or simply don’t care that much to do so, then don’t make the promise. We are allowed to say “no” sometimes. 🙂

Here’s to the Exes

Sometimes it’s easy to look at your life, and the relationships of the past, and become annoyed thinking about the various reasons those past relationships did not work. Perhaps someone turned out to be a liar… another may have lacked ambition… another may have changed and been weaker than expected… another could have not been emotionally ready for a relationship… and worst of all, one could have been wonderful, but just lacked that chemistry we all crave. (I may or may not be referencing actual relationships… haha… yes, yes I am.)

It’s so easy to reminisce and be aggravated that you even gave someone the time of day… or that you waited so long to take action… or that you trusted someone completely. It’s easy to look at them for their faults.

But a better option… one that switches your mind to a more positive outlook… is to be grateful for all of the failed relationships. Obviously every single one should be a lesson. More than that… they will help you appreciate a good thing when you see it. That is, if you’re paying attention.

If I was single 5 years ago and met my current boyfriend, I’m not entirely sure I would have seen his worth so clearly. I wouldn’t have been able to appreciate his open-minded intelligence, or his level-headed patience and understanding. I wouldn’t have taken the time to get to know his absolutely amazing sense of humor, and I wouldn’t have appreciated his maturity the way that I do now.

So thank you, to all of my exes… all of the misses… all of the simply incompatible partners of my past. If not for you, I wouldn’t be able to see how very lucky I am right now. 🙂

I hope that you all learned something from your time with me as well, and have moved on to be happier and healthier (emotionally) for it.

That Little Day in February

Valentine’s Day is approaching, and I just always feel like it’s a weird holiday.

If you’re in a relationship, I get that it’s cute and fun to get flowers, or presents, or go on a fancy date. This is the first year I will not have a “Valentine” since I was 13 years old… and for the last 13 years I did celebrate it in some fashion with whatever guy I was with every year.

That being said, I’ve always done my best to make it very clear to any guy I date that I prefer to know how they feel about me on a regular basis on random days… on a Wednesday in March. A Tuesday in July. For no “reason.” Anniversaries, birthdays, Valentine’s Day are all great & wonderful & yes I want them recognized in some way… but it doesn’t need to be a big show. Well, except maybe my birthday. 🙂 (Hey, they should be jazzed that I was born!)

Girls especially seem to want to use Valentine’s Day as a bragging contest. A show of whose boyfriend is better based on the extravagant gifts he gets. I would much rather get a single flower two weeks later for no reason, when he has no pressure to “perform” as a boyfriend/husband/etc. That says more than a diamond bracelet on Valentine’s Day to me. Now, would I be happy to get a diamond bracelet on Valentine’s Day? Well yeah! LoL. But only if I felt like I was getting the appropriate amount of affection/attention all the other days of the year as well. If not, then it wouldn’t really mean much. It’s like a guy that beats his girlfriend 6 days a week, then tells her he loves her & makes her dinner & buys her a present on the 7th day. (Extreme analogy, I know. But you see my point, yes? HaHa.)

My feelings toward Valentine’s Day are basically, “Hey, you’re fun, V-Day. But you’re not allll that.”

At the same time… I find it really amusing how it’s supposed to be a holiday for love and bringing people together, when it really just makes the other half–the single half–bitter as all get out. Not everyone, obviously. But every year I see what feels like an excessive amount of people just HATING on the day. When really, it’s just a day. Ignore it if you don’t like it. Letting some thing, or some one, affect you like that is giving that thing or person power in your life. Why would you let some thing have power in your life and upset you if you don’t even care about it? Makes no sense to me.

I’d rather be single than be with someone who isn’t a good match for me or who isn’t truly worthy of my time or attention. And again… it’s just one day. So don’t let it get you all in a tizzy if you’re single. Just be happy for those that found love and let it give you hope for yourself! Positivity, people! Put it out there and you will receive it. Put negativity out there and what do you think you will get? …. I’m just saying. 🙂

Love Is Fun

It seems so easy in this day and age for people to become incredibly cynical and discouraged in their search for love.

I can understand it to a point. I’ve had my share of defeating moments… this year in particular… those moments where I feel like I’ll never find someone to understand who I am and appreciate me for who I am and to want to just enjoy life with me. I’ve had crazy experiences with pathological liars doing absolutely crazy stuff, and then experiences where I’m simply not clicking with someone even though I’d like to be.

All over Facebook and Twitter we see negative attitudes about the opposite sex. Every girl wants to blame every guy, and every guy wants to blame every girl. I’ve done it a few times. We’re all allowed to vent every now and then after all.

Let’s face it though… men & women are just different. It’s nobody’s fault! We just don’t have the same experiences and we don’t understand the world the same way. We have different expectations. It can indeed be difficult to understand each other.

Like I said, I’ve had my moments where I just think, “Men are so crazy!” But in reality, I thoroughly enjoy searching for love. And men aren’t crazy, they’re just confusing to me. I know I can be confusing/frustrating to them, though. 🙂

Dating is exciting. It keeps you on your toes. It gives you some pretty good stories sometimes! Haha. And while in the moment a situation might feel like the most frustrating, upsetting thing ever… in ten years I know I’ll just look back and laugh about it.

Everything is a learning experience. Everyone you meet teaches you something about yourself and the type of person you want to be. That’s how I choose to look at it. Yeah it sucks to care about someone and have them not return the feelings… but sometimes people just aren’t compatible together! We need to stop taking every little thing so personally at times. Someone not liking you doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you, OR with them. (Well, sometimes. HeHe.)

I know I won’t be single forever. I’m naturally an impatient person so sometimes I get frustrated that I haven’t found the lifetime love yet, but I know it will happen. In the mean time I’ll enjoy meeting new people and having new experiences, and just see where it takes me. So far it has taken me across the country into a whole new environment!

And I’ve said it before… but if you are going through life with a negative, cynical, defeatist attitude… that’s the energy you’re putting out there into the world so that’s probably what you’re going to get in return. Choose to smile, choose to be hopeful, try to be more patient, and enjoy the dang ride!

 

Think Like a Man… maybe.

I know this is a generalization and there are exceptions… but from my personal experience women tend to have trouble with over thinking things in relationships. I know I do. Most of my girlfriends do as well.

When men are standoffish or vague, our minds run away with us. We aren’t getting the feedback or communication we crave, so we think the worst. We go over every possible scenario… we ask every question… we try to answer these questions with what information we do have. If a man suddenly behaves in a way that is out of character, we wonder why.

Men of the world… we don’t like being this way. When these thoughts are running through our brains we are not having a good time. If we could flip a switch and have our minds just relax and not worry about it, we would. It simply isn’t that easy for most of us.

I’m doing my best to take things at face value right now. My problem is that I always want to know the whole story. I’m a talker. I’m a writer. I like to know things. It’s an issue when someone else isn’t this way because they probably won’t understand me. But it’s just me! 🙂

Taking things at face value can be a tricky thing. I feel like when you just accept something someone says exactly how they say it, there are assumptions involved. You are assuming that you understand what the meaning was. But you are understanding it with your own perceptions, which are different from other people’s perceptions.

But, over thinking everything tends to be disastrous. So, I’m making the attempt to relax and just have fun. Wish me luck! HaHa.

Motivational Monday? (HaHa. Whatever, here you go!)

Once again a conversation with my lovely cousin/friend/roomie has got me thinking. She’s inspiring like that. 🙂

Everyone always says actions speak louder than words… and I know that this is true. Very true. But at the same time… it’s nice to hear the words every now and then. We all enjoy a little verbal reassurance from time to time.

Now, if there are no actions to back up those words then yeah, they’re meaningless. But if you have the actions to back up what you’re saying… then the words are actually pretty special. Sometimes it takes guts to actually verbalize how you feel, so it lets people know that you’re willing to open up to them and be a little vulnerable.

Vulnerability is a scary thing. I have a love-hate relationship with vulnerability. I’m terrified of it because I’m a very confident person and you can really get your ego/emotions stepped on by putting yourself out there… but at the same time I don’t ever want to let fear stop me from following my gut/heart/whatever.

Stuck in this in-between place things can get a little crazy. Which usually ends up with me being even more vulnerable… and then I’m in “girl mode” and well, things are always a little emotional in that mode. HaHa! But at least I’m trying, right? You have to keep trying!

There have been quite a few times in my life where I just feel like crawling into a hole (so to speak) and hiding from anyone who might hurt me. But I try to live my life according to my favorite quote (“Even the darkest hour has only 60 minutes”) so I know that if I do get hurt it won’t be forever.

So I continue to try when my intuition tells me I should. There’s another very factual common phrase… always trust your instincts. They are almost never wrong. Every now & then you might be fooled… but not very often if you’re really listening & being aware.

No “What Ifs”

You have to give people the opportunity to surprise you sometimes. They might disappoint you. It might blow up in your face. But if you just assume that that’s what will happen you’ll never even give them the chance!

If you want to know how someone feels about you… don’t wait! Just tell them how you feel & see where it goes.

I don’t know. I just feel like the risk is worth it. :))) I hate looking back on situations wondering, “What would have happened…” So I just choose to find out what will happen. Sometimes it sucks when someone doesn’t feel the same in return… but that’s life, right? You can’t always get what you want, but why not at least try?

Just my random thoughts of the day due to a conversation with a good friend. ❤